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HUMOR |
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"If you
cannot act crazy every now and then, you cannot stay
sane!" |
(Dememtrius
Pohl, pers. conv., in a pizzeria in New York
City, c. 1987) |
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This page
is devoted to humor related to minerals. Contributions from
you are welcome; just email to Joker in Chief at
wheierman@corunduminium.com
or
williamh@wcjc.edu. |
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FUNNY
CAPTION CONTESTS |
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Here are some of the old winners.
Pictures are thumbnails, so click on them to see full
resolution images. |
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Many good
captions were submitted to this one. Here are
some more. |
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"O.K., which
one of you jokers is Sisyphus?" |
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"If we don't
get the queen back into the mound quickly, she may
get squished by those approaching pedestrians!" |
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"No, you
can't be in Macy's Parade! That will never float!" |
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3: |
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I had two
favorites here. The first was popular, but the
second caught me by surprise. The largest of
these Karnataka Province, India crystals weighs about
18 pounds! |
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"O.K., which
one of you guys is taking these steroids I found in
the locker room?" |
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"It has been
found that regular addition of humans to the diet
tends to increase the strength and vitality of
minerals." |
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4: |
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The specimen
is from Mogok, Burma. The antennae and legs
are from a my collection of fake insect parts. |
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"The infamous
'piltdown caterpillar', which was once thought to
provide the missing link between the sea cucumber
and homo erectus." |
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"I told her
that if she didn't use sunscreeen, she would never
make it to butterfly!" |
For
pseudomorph collectors:
"Corundum after
centipede on piece of 100,000,000 year old bread." |
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5: |
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We made this one up in the office:
"Although Professor Heierman's clever masquerade as
a rich, mineral buying tourist located the legendary
giant rubies, he did run into some unexpected
hostility. The question now is whether or not the
Geology Department should characterize his
expedition as a success." |
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"Honey, I know you told me not ever to bring another
rock into the house, but I didn't know you were THAT
serious!" |
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"Run, Sir William, run!
The Redcoats are coming! Run!" My response:
"Would you repeat that, please?" |
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6: |
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This Steinkopf,
Namaqualand crystal is one of the World's oldest
corundums. "When
carbon dating fails, trust whatever less reliable
forms of evidence are present!" |
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7: |
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The ruby is
from Karnataka Province, India. The sapphire
is Sri Lankan. |
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"Relax,
Sapphire! What makes you think anybody knows we are
meeting here?" " |
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"Yeah, I want
to be a Reality TV star; but I like my privacy,
too!" |
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8: |
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You can thank
my wife for this one. She bought the garden
ornament. The sapphire is in fact from Kashmir.
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"O.K., O.K.!!
You can have THREE grasshoppers and TWO mosquitoes,
but NO mayflies!" |
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"You say it's
Kashmir, but it shore looks like one o' them Cheat-'em
synthetics to me!" |
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9: |
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Another
Karnataka, Province, India ruby... |
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"Honey, the
doctor says I have twins!!" |
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10: |
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Taken during
the 2007 trip to the Wyoming ruby locality
That' Amos Knapstad again, with another colleague.
We were actually doing some geological reconnaisance
on both ridges... |
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"Sorry, Amos!
It's that one over there!" |
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11: |
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This Burmese pseudomorph of
corundum after spinel conjures up some funny
impressions. The
discovery of the first known oo-aa bird egg suggests
that the name is onomatopoetic... |
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12: |
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Here is a
caption in search of a funny picture... |
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"My friends
can eat whatever they like and they stay elongated
... all I eat is salad, and look at me! |
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TOP TEN
(?) LISTS |
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YOU KNOW YOU ARE
A ROCKHOUND IF ... |
1: ... you look on the map of New
Jersey for Rocky Balboa, Dwight Stones, and Jerry
Quarry; thinking they are zeolite collection sites. |
2: ... you make a
backpack for your dog. |
3: ... when you arrive at your
home airport, the baggage handlers know you by name
but refuse to carry your suitcases. |
4: ... your fear of mice is second
only to your aggressiveness toward rattlesnakes
lurking in gemstone pockets. |
5: ... you will carry two sixty
pound buckets a mile, but will use a shopping cart
to carry one lousy gallon of milk 100 feet. |
6: ... you postpone your wedding,
because your fiance won't get married on a field
trip. |
7: ... none of the rocks in your
yard bear any resemblance to local mineralizations. |
8: ... after the riots and broken
store windows last night, you ask the cops if you
can examine the evidence. |
9: ... when you play "Hangman",
your first word is "hypabyssal" (second is "xenocryst"
). |
10: ... you take the spare tire out
of your trunk to make room for the hammer and
shovel, but the jack remains. |
11: ... plutonic injections get you
excited. |
12: ... you frequent garage and yard
sales, because of a continuing need for marbles. |
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A
MINERAL COLLCECTOR'S WORST MOMENTS |
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1: When you get home, the
package contains more specimens than when you left the show. |
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More to come... |
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ATHEISM AND MINING DON'T
MIX |
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My first mining partner, "Ol' Jake",
disappeared without a trace, and it was not until
years later that I found out what happened to him.
He died because he was an atheist. Here is the
story. |
One afternoon, he was walking from the plant
site upstream to the beer holding pond above the
holding pond when he heard a rustling in the bushes
behind him. He turned around to see a large,
obviously quite hungry grizzly bear, who began to
chase him up the trail at a pace much faster than he
could attain, even in mortal flight. |
As the bear was about to catch him, Jake tripped and
fell. He rolled onto his back to see the bear
about to strike a fatal blow, and involuntarily
screamed out "Oh, my God!" |
At that instant, the stream ceased flowing, the
wind stopped in the trees, the birds froze in the
azure sky, and the bear did not strike! ... "YES?
CAN I HELP YOU?" |
Now, Ol' Jake may have been an atheist, but he
was not a slow thinker. "Well, I don't imagine I
could become a Christian after a lifetime of not
believing, but perhaps you could make the BEAR
a Christian!" |
"IT SHALL BE DONE!" Momentarily, the stream
resumed its downward course, the wind began to stir
again, and the birds resumed their flight; but the
bear did not strike! |
Instead, he stood with his head bowed
reverently and his massive paws pressed together:
"Dear Lord, please bless this food which I am about
to receive ..." |
So, how do I know this is what happened? Well,
later that summer, the bear joined my church; and
every Christmas he and I go into the hills together
to deliver baskets of food to the poor. I had to
ask him why he felt compelled to do this when most
ordinary bears were hibernating; and that is when he
told me this remarkable story. |
Somehow, I felt I
should have suspected this; because this fine,
Christian bear clearly had so much of Jake's
goodness in him.
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CRYSTAL COLLECTING JUDGE NOT
IMPRESSED |
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They tell the story of the young lad who
murdered his parents and pled for mercy from the
Court because he was an orphan. |
However; the judge, a collector of gemstone
crystals, was not swayed by this argument.
Since these crimes were capital offenses, he
borrowed a term from mineralogy to impose the
maximum penalty for each, declaring from the bench:
"You shall be doubly terminated!" |
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